It occurred to me, just the other day, my wife does not fully grasp the magnitude of the selfless work we men do. I realized this as I was, once again, being accused of just “sitting on the couch”. Only we men realize that, when we properly position ourselves on the furniture, we are fulfilling our earthly responsibility which has been passed down generation to generation among men.
Men, you see, have been assigned the task of “world maintenance”. There are many tasks involved and we occasionally hold secret meetings[1] to divvy up the tasks. For example, if it were not for men performing maintenance, the oceans and lakes would be overfilled with fish. But, no, we take it upon ourselves to begrudgingly head out to the lakes on weekends to ensure a proper level of fish in the sea. The same can be said for deer, bear, elk, and other animals we hunt[2]. Gophers, though, are hunted because they are from Saskatchewan[3].
Another example is our work on air quality. Some men have been assigned the task of gathering air quality information. This is done through a sophisticated system of sensors being launched into the air and the monitoring of these sensors. Most often, the sensor looks like a dimpled ball and is sent into the atmosphere using a “club”. You may see a set of these clubs in your garage. While, to the untrained eye, they look the same, each club performs a different purpose in attaining the correct air quality reading at different levels above the ground. The sensors are then "dropped" into a code reading device, usually marked with a flag. Once the air quality information is gathered, the male species then releases the correct atmospheric correcting “gases”. This is extremely important and ongoing work.
But there is another job we do that is often overlooked. Now it seems that most women take gravity for granted, but not us men. No, this task is probably the most important of all our jobs. After all, what would the point be of having good air quality if all of us floated off into space? There are certain portals from which gravity can be maintained. The couch is clearly one of the most important. Men assigned the task of gravitational maintenance will position themselves on the couch and sit there for hours, which brings stability to the gravitational system. If we didn’t do this work, the couch and everything else in the world would likely float away.
We all know that the Earth is a female[4] and, as such, can have emotional swings. Think about a hurricane and a woman cleaning the kitchen. They’re the same; just the hurricane is smaller scale. When Mother Earth gets in a funk, she simply needs a stable man to settle her down. That is why we men will, at times, refuse to get off the couch. It simply is a matter of importance, a matter of urgency. If we got off the couch right at that moment, the world may be lost. We should rightly be considered heroes for this tremendous earth saving work we do, all the while being persecuted for it.
The couch is one important gravity maintaining portal, the other is the toilet. Actually, the toilet serves two main purposes: 1) gravity maintenance, and 2) air quality control (see above – releasing of “gases”). While we appear to be taking “too long” in the can, we are really performing incredibly valuable work; work that may save the world.
So, ladies, next time you think your husband is just being lazy by sitting on the couch, or is taking too long in the bathroom, or is somewhat crazy for going golfing when the snow first melts, please realize we are not doing this for ourselves. We are sacrificing our time and our energy to save the world. And next time your loving, self sacrificing hero-husband asks you to get him a snack, you can do it knowing you, too, are doing your part.
[1] If your husband doesn’t know about these meetings, he is doing his job of feigning ignorance.
[2] Well, the same can be said except that the seas really aren’t full of those.
[3] Just jokes. Sheesh, don’t get so excited.
[4] Why else would we call her “Mother Earth”?
